Post by Jacqueline on Jun 15, 2006 20:45:53 GMT -5
I'm extremely bored so decided to post some jokes. lmao
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."
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A blonde had to give a big test she hadn't studied for. When she got there, she found out it was an objective test, each answer was supposed to be only "True" or "False".
When she started to attempt the paper, she found she couldn't answer the shortest of questions. So she took out a coin and began to flip a coin, and if Heads turned up, she wrote "True" down, and "False" for Tails.
As she kept at it, she finished the whole 3-hour paper in about half an hour. The examiner looked extremely impressed and gave her a wink.
However, after the remaining time elapsed, as he was collecting the asnwer sheets, he looked at the blonde, who was looking extrmely flustered and bothered, flipping a coin furiously.
When he asked her what she was doing, she replied without blinking an eye,
"I'm checking my answers."
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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
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A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde's having a bad day?
A: Her tampon's in her ear, and she can't find her pencil.
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Q: How do you know when you're really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed!
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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Why do blondes toes curl during sex?
They always forget to take off thier pantyhose first.
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There's a blonde, brunette, and redhead, about to be executed. The brunette goes up in front of the firing squad. The executioner asks her if she has any last wishes. She says no. The firing squad gets ready. "Ready! Aim! --" all of a sudden the brunette yells out "EARTHQUAKE!". Everyone ducks for cover as she escapes. The redhead goes up. "Ready! Aim! --" she yells out "TORNADO!". Once again, every1 ducks for cover as she escapes. By now, the blonde knows what to do. She goes up. "Ready! Aim! --" the blonde yells out "FIRE!"
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There's a girl named Mary at sunday school. She's not the best student. One day, while sleeping, the teacher asks "Who created the heavens and the earth?". The teacher calls on Mary. Johnny, who sits behind her, sees her predicament. He pokes her with a thumbtack. She yells in pain, "God Almighty!". Mary falls back to sleep. A little while later, the teacher asks, "Who is our lord and savior?". The teacher calls on Mary. Johnny stabs her with the thumbtack again. "Jesus Christ!" she yells out in pain. She falls back to sleep. Later on, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after they'd had their 23'd child?". The teacher calls on Mary. Johnny AGAIN stabs her with the pin. Mary wakes up, and yells, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME IM GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!!!!".....the teacher faints.
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A ventriloquist is touring the country and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-colour "dumb blonde" jokes, when a well-presented blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I’ve heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person’s hair colour possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It is morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential, because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to Discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!"
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. He had spiked hair in different colours: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared at him.
The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Two sausages in a pan, one says "things are gettin hot in here" the other says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING SAUSAGE"
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CHINESE PROVERBS:
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk...
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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A duck walks into a hardware store, and asks the manager "Have you got any duck food?" "No," says the manager, "this is a hardware store." So, the duck leaves. The next day, he comes back and asks the manager "Got any duck food?" "No, this is a hardware store," said the manager, a little mad now. The duck leaves, and comes back the next day. He asks, "Got any duck food?" The manager lost it. "NO!!! WE DO NOT HAVE ANY GOD-DAMN DUCK FOOD! IF YOU COME IN AND ASK FOR IT AGAIN, I'LL CEMENT YOUR FEET TOGETHER AND THROW YOU INTO THE RIVER!!!!" The duck left. The next day, he came back and asked "Got any cement?" "No" "Got any duck food?"
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
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Which of the three are you?
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman: But would you stay there??
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SIGNS YOU HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM
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~ You tell people "I'm not drunk, you're just sober!"
~ The doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol system
~ You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs
~ The bartender carves your name into your stool
~ Work starts interfering with your drinking
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LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
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Sex with a real Cowboy
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!
And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!
They then asked, Well, tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
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A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
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Here is a list of some interesting Classified ads:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG... BITES.
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FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.
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FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN
SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED.
SPEAKS GERMAN. -- FREE.
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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...
BETTER BE A REWARD.
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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --
$850/OFFER
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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS...
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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
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NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED,
CALL CHUBBY.
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GEORGIA PEACHES,
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.
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NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.
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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7.00 PER HOUR.
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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.
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OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON.
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.
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FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes..
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Freaking Wife knows everything
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klDinner Conversation Gone Wrong
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "$HIT."
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I was walking home last night when I noticed an old drunk staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking a young child. "Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter, madam?" he asked. "I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed. "There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the chimp"
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Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and
settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth
wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and
where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car
pactically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't
know what to do with it so they take it home.
There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says,
"Finders keepers", and she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the
neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that
fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in
the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from
school yesterday....."
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here...."
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3 men have decided they want to try-out for the F.B.I., right? Well, they all come to the training center to be interviewed. This is done one at a time.
After being interviewed, the first man was told that he must pledge his loyalty to his position, and do what he is told. He agrees. He's then told to take a gun, go into the other room, and shoot his wife. The man refuses. He says that he loves her too much and could never live with himself for doing so. Therefore, he was rejected.
The second guy came in, and went through the same interview. He was then given the same task as the first man. He refused as well. Also, he was rejected like the first man.
Now the third guy, on the other hand, agreed to the task after being interviewed. The interviewers waited, and eventually heard some gun shots from the other room. They then heard some wierd noises, a few slams, a scream here or there, and then nothing. When the man returned, he was asked what went on. His reply:
"Some moron put blanks in the gun, so I had to strangle her."
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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"
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